By Jacob Kamaras
On the campaign trail Thursday, Republican presidential primary front-runner Donald Trump devoted a YUGE chunk of his remarks to that day’s Jewish holiday of Purim.
“Believe me, nobody beats Haman like Trump,” he said during a speech in Milwaukee ahead of the upcoming GOP primary in Wisconsin, where 42 delegates are at stake in the winner-take-all state. “And what do I mean by Haman? Think Persia, folks. Iran, folks. That nuclear deal we signed with them is the worst deal ever negotiated. Disastrous. And I know a thing or two about deals. Believe me. I wrote ‘The Art of the Deal.’ It’s the all-time best-selling book about negotiating deals.”
Naturally, Trump used the Jewish holiday to tout his Jewish bona fides.
“My daughter Ivanka and my son-in-law Jared, they’re probably listening to the Megillah right now in shul. Did you hear that? Shul. Not ‘synagogue.’ My daughter’s Jewish, so I know more Jewish vocabulary than anyone else running for president. Believe me, oh, believe me,” said Trump, who donned a Donald Trump wig and a red baseball cap for his Purim costume.
“When I’m president, we’re going to start winning again. Just like Mordechai and Esther won Purim. And let me tell you, Ivanka Trump is the new Esther,” the proud father added, schepping naches like no presidential contender has ever schepped before.
Flaunting knowledge worthy of any 3rd grade spelling bee, Trump adroitly noted that when you take the “N” out of “Haman” and substitute an “S,” you get “Hamas,” the Gaza-ruling Palestinian terror group.
“Hamas is funded by today’s Haman, the Iranians,” he said. “By the way, the Iranians also fund Hezbollah, and they’re causing trouble all over the Middle East. In Syria. In Yemen. And all we did in that nuclear deal was give them $150 billion to do more of the same. What a catastrophe. We’ll rip up that deal. And nobody will rip it up quicker than Donald Trump. I know a bad deal when I see one. And this is a baaaaaaad deal. Okay?”
Trump didn’t miss the golden opportunity to promote his proposed wall along the U.S.-Mexico border by invoking the Purim story’s famed walled city—Shushan, the Persian empire’s capital at the time.
“Look at our borders, they’re like swiss cheese,” he said. “When I’m president, America will have real borders. A wall. A big wall. YUGE. Like the wall surrounding Shushan. That’s right, people. I know the story of Purim. My daughter’s Jewish. And she’s about to have a Jewish baby. Isn’t that great?”
“Nobody builds walls like Trump,” he continued. “And walls work. Believe me, they work. Just ask Israel. Walls prevent terrorism. Okay?”
The billionaire real estate mogul further enhanced his Purim street cred by announcing $2 million in donations to various Israeli and American Jewish charities, in honor of the Purim mitzvah of matanot l’evyonim (gifts to the poor).
“We’re going to make Purim great again,” Trump declared. “And we’re also going to make America great again. When I’m president next year and America becomes great, Purim will also be great. Chag Sameach everyone. That’s right, I can pronounce the Hebrew ‘CHUH’ sound. Nobody else running for president can do that. Only Donald Trump. Believe me.”
This has been a Purim spoof. But it’s very possible that Donald Trump actually gave this speech. Believe me.