Let’s play a guessing game:

I can cause natural disasters and other calamities.

I am rich and can influence world economies.

I infect people with viruses and other diseases.

I can silence my critics.

The media is in my pocket.

Who am I?

Answer: A Jew in the fevered minds of antisemites.

When you think about it, it’s amazing how powerful we are.

The most recent example was how we prevented the antisemitic former head of Human Rights Watch, Kenneth Roth, from getting a fellowship at Harvard. While he and his apologist friends were blaming the all-powerful Jews, however, no one seemed to notice that we could not prevent him from getting a job at the University of Pennsylvania, another Ivy League school. And all our power somehow disappeared when Harvard caved in to pressure from those who lack our omnipotence and offered Roth the fellowship again.

It’s no surprise that Harvard would welcome another antisemite to its roster. This is the university whose biography of its former president Abbott Lawrence Lowell extols his virtues while omitting his record of antisemitism.

How did we allow this?

Our control of the media is exemplified by the Jewish-owned New York Times. Why, just last week, we again demonstrated our ability to silence our critics. Oh wait, wasn’t that former PLO spokesman Rashid Khalidi venting his spleen on the editorial page in the latest of a seemingly endless stream of Times attacks on Jews and Israel?

Just as we poisoned wells and brought the Black Plague to Europe, we infected the world with the coronavirus. Not only are we responsible for the Palestinians getting Covid, but the inhuman Israeli Jews also prevented them from getting vaccines.

Except they didn’t. Israel offered assistance to the Palestinian Authority to fight the pandemic, but the Palestinians repeatedly rejected aid offers and even blocked sick people from going to Israeli hospitals. Still, the Israeli Health Ministry agreed to vaccinate 100,000 Palestinians who work in Israel and opened a center at the Qalandiya checkpoint to enable eastern Jerusalem residents who cannot enter Israel to get vaccinated.

What about our domination of college campuses? Haven’t we stopped the Israel hate weeks, the BDS resolutions, the anti-Israel protests and the seething antisemitism?

Thankfully, we have imposed a “Palestinian exception” to ensure that only pro-Israel voices can be heard on campus. But didn’t the professor who wrote an article complaining of the exception admit that academics have won the “right … to speak for Palestinian liberation in both the classroom and the public sphere”? And didn’t more than 350 academic departments, programs, centers, unions and societies issue statements supporting Palestinian rights, and haven’t thousands of professors joined the antisemitic campaign to boycott Israel?

Given our global reach and with the use of our space lasers, we can impose our will on countries around the world—except at the United Nations, where more than 100 countries regularly vote against Israel on a panoply of annual resolutions condemning the only Jewish state. Oh, but Jews control the Human Rights Council that… hates Israel.

We hope to replace white people. But wait, aren’t a lot of us supposedly white people?

Never mind that. We are manipulating the system to flood the United States with non-white immigrants who will replace white people. All those refugees must be fleeing their Latin American countries because of the Jewish drug cartels and the Jews running Mexico, Honduras, El Salvador and, of course, Cuba. Hardly any Jews live in those countries, but we can give directions from the Elders of Zion headquarters in the U.S.

We are part of the white power structure responsible for systemic racism. I wonder if we have been persecuting ourselves too, since many of us are people of color. The white supremacists don’t even know they’re targeting us because they think we’re all white.

Being almighty, we have nothing to be afraid of and we should be feared, yet more hate crimes are committed against us than people of any other faith.

Our Israeli cousins are even more awesome. They have engaged in “ethnic cleansing” and “genocide,” yet the proportion of the Jewish population has declined from 86% to 74%, and the Arab population has grown from about 10% to 21% since 1949.

Wait, only the Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza are being exterminated. The mighty Israeli Jews have been so successful that the Palestinian population in the disputed territories increased from approximately 1.3 million in 1967 to 4.9 million today.

Don’t you feel better now?

Mitchell Bard is a foreign policy analyst and an authority on U.S.-Israel relations who has written and edited 22 books, including The Arab Lobby, Death to the Infidels: Radical Islam’s War Against the Jews and After Anatevka: Tevye in Palestine.


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