Every year at the Passover seder, we recite the description of “The Four Children.” The Haggadah describes each one with his own characteristic quality of learning and, especially, questioning. But upon a deeper reading, what appears to be a lesson about children’s queries is really an insight into the importance of our response as parents and educators.
At Hidden Sparks, our work is grounded in a simple but powerful belief: When we actively try to understand a child’s needs, we unlock their potential to grow and thrive. We guide teachers and parents toward doing this by helping them ask the right questions. Rather than thinking “What is wrong with this child?” we must ask, “What might be driving this behavior, or these academic challenges, and what can I, as an adult, do to help them be their best self?”
Seen through this lens, “The Four Children” in the Haggadah begin to look less like “types” and more like opportunities to understand and meet each of our children where they are.
The wise child asks detailed and thoughtful questions about the laws and practices of Passover. On the surface, we might simply see curiosity. But through a neurodevelopmental lens, we might recognize a child whose cognitive strengths include strong reasoning, language and the ability to analyze complex ideas. This child thrives when given depth and nuance, and the seder responds accordingly, with the parent offering a detailed explanation.
The wicked child is often interpreted as disrespectful or rebellious, separating themselves from the rest. But through the lenses of temperament and environment, we might see something different.
Some children, for example, naturally have greater intensity, such that their emotional reactions to challenging ideas—for example, to the idea that everything at the seder should be personally meaningful—can come across as defiance.
Others might have had a difficult experience with mitzvah observance or with being taken to task about not rising to the occasion in that area, such that they don’t know how to see themselves in the picture. The seder’s response pushes back, but it also keeps the child in the conversation, refusing to give up on their place at the table.
The simple child asks a direct question: “What is this?” Some children process information best when it is concrete and straightforward. The seder guides the adult to respond with a clear and simple explanation, meeting the child where they are.
And then there is the child who does not know how to ask. Too often, we assume that silence means lack of interest. But other explanations may emerge. This child might be struggling with expressive language and simply does not yet have the words to formulate a question or grew up in an environment where asking questions feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. The Haggadah instructs the adult to take the first step: “You open up the conversation for them.”
In our families and our classrooms, we often have children with very different needs. The seder emphasizes the importance of responding to each child’s questions with the appropriate response.
On a deeper level, it offers a powerful parenting message. This is meaningful to us at Hidden Sparks, where educators and parents are encouraged to move from judgment to curiosity, to understand more deeply what their children’s needs are, so that we can more successfully respond and choose approaches that allow each child to succeed.
At the seder this year, let’s ask ourselves perhaps the most important questions: What does each of our children need to participate? How can I, as a parent, support them? And how can we involve and engage them in a uniquely meaningful way at the seder—and beyond?
