“There were no days as joyous for Israel as the 15th of Av and Yom Kippur,” the Talmud proclaims in a well-known but complex statement (Taanit 4:8). While Yom Kippur celebrates the love between God and the people of Israel, Tu B’Av celebrates romantic love. And it has become one of the most popular days in Israel for weddings and engagements.
Tu B’Av comes, however, in the wake of Tisha B’Av, the saddest day on the Jewish calendar, when we remember the destruction of Jerusalem—that everything can be lost to disaster and disappear amid tragedy.
This dichotomy is not just theoretical or theological. It continues to have practical ramifications for many of our children and students, who, after losing spouses and partners in the ongoing war, have embarked with great courage on new relationships. Amid all the struggles of loss and memory, some have gotten engaged again or have celebrated second weddings.
I have seen parents of deceased soldiers participating in their daughter-in-law’s wedding with her new husband, dancing with their grandchildren. Rabbi Tamir Granot, head of Yeshivat Orot Shaul in Tel Aviv, recently performed the wedding of his fallen son’s young fiancée to a new man. Fathers of fallen soldiers accept blessings (brachot) underneath the chuppah at the second marriages of their daughters-in-law, their minds no doubt fresh with memories of being under a previous one with this very same bride and their fallen son not that long ago.
It is not talked about enough, but across Israel, hundreds of couples and families are living out this complexity every day. They have paid the ultimate price. They are also carrying out the difficult but holy commandment to rebuild Jerusalem in the most personal of ways, often in view of the public eye.
On this Tu B’Av, it is important to keep these couples and their families in mind, and to respect their losses, their courage and their blessed capacity to love again. In addition, as the war continues and hundreds of thousands of people are away from home serving in military reserve duty, there should be support for the marriages and relationships that carry this burden and strain, as divorce rates have risen across the country.
With more than 2,000 people in Israel killed since Oct. 7, 2023, new relationships are not isolated cases.
Tu B’Av comes amid the Sheva d’Nechamata, or “seven weeks of comfort” that follow Tisha B’Av in the Jewish calendar. This Hebrew word for comfort, nechama, has two distinct meanings: One is to comfort those who are in a state of mourning; and the other is to make an “about face” to re-engage in the pursuit of renewal.
In the Torah, God is described doing this exact act: “And God makes an about face (Vayinachem) on the punishment planned for the people” (Exodus 32:14).
That is how we should relate to these second marriages as well. There is brokenness and loss; there is also a will to live, to be happy and to continue to build the Jewish story. Just as we hugged these bereaved individuals with consolation, we must embrace, support and recognize their new relationships for their embodiment of renewal, as difficult as that may be for the families themselves and for those around them. With more than 2,000 people in Israel killed since Oct. 7, 2023, such relationships are not isolated cases.
On an even wider scale, many in Israel are struggling profoundly in their relationships amid the war and the tense, unpredictable security situation. The relationship challenges are especially acute for those serving in reserve military duty, and their partners and families. Research has found that one in five reservist couples has considered divorce. These couples need more support, including increased access to counseling and therapy, to ensure that they can still engage in meaningful marriages and relationships, and interact with their children without overt signs of trauma.
I have heard extremely difficult stories from some of our students who serve in reserves; after intense combat, some struggle to have physical relationships with their wives; others have flashbacks to Gaza while engaging with their children. Our organization is blessed with the resources to help provide the prolonged and professional mental-health treatment these young people—our students, faculty and alumni—need to save their relationships and their family lives.
But there is a massive need nationally for more support to keep these marriages whole. This is the reality of Tu B’Av this year.
Renewal and rebuilding can be painful, and at times, feel impossible. Even the prophet Isaiah, who narrates much of the struggle of Am Israel, the Jewish people, after exile, acknowledges that many cannot believe his messages of hope and a brighter future—a story we hear in the Haftarah the Shabbat following Tu B’Av.
As impossible as renewed happiness may seem after such an intense loss, we must celebrate those who choose to rebuild the most personal parts of their lives. Doing so doesn’t mean that we are forgetting those who have died; it means we are slowly moving forward towards finding the “desert like a paradise and its wasteland like the garden of the Lord (Isaiah 51:13), promised in Isaiah.
As we celebrate love this Tu B’Av, may everyone be blessed with the joy of partnership, and may God shine his loving countenance on those who have endured loss and challenges on behalf of our nation.
